Wow!!!

My second beta was over 1800! That's an excellent rise! I can't remember the exact number because I started tearing up and became so emotional that I wasn't paying attention. I've had some cramping for the past few days. While I knew this could be normal, the only experience I have is with an early miscarriage. Since I had cramping early on with that....well, I was pretty scared. The nurse obviously can't guarantee anything but she reassured me that the cramping can be completely normal. I was so relieved.

I go in for another beta in 2 days, and if all is well they'll schedule us for the first ultrasound.

Holy Beta Batman!

So, I went for my first blood test yesterday. It was a couple days later than usual (17 DPO, or days after ovulation) since I was out of town on day 15. They expect it to be above 100 on day 15, and it should double every 48-72 hours. So...I was hoping for something around 200.

The nurse called and said my beta was 836!!! I have to admit that I let myself get excited at that point. I'm still cautiously excited...but very happy. The number being higher doesn't really mean anything...it's really all about the rise. I couldn't help but feel proud of our little Munchkin, though, when the nurse said it was a "really healthy beta." Edward/Alex seemed excited when I told him, but also a bit cautious.

I go in tomorrow for my second beta...here's hoping for a nice healthy rise!

Back from Alaska!

So, we're back from a wonderful belated honeymoon in Alaska. We had an absolute blast! We even took a spur-of-the-moment flightseeing tour over Denali (Mt. McKinley). Edward/Alex was quite surprised by the fact that I wanted to do it so badly. I'm terrified of flying, and I've never been in a puddle-jumper, but I really wanted to take advantage of the beautiful day and the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Turns out that we had a Munchkin along for the ride! I took a pregnancy test yesterday when we got home (and another one this morning) and they were both positive.

Oddly enough, I can't claim to be excited yet. Because we had an early miscarriage a few months ago, I don't think it's going to set in until I see some rising betas, a heartbeat on the first ultrasound, etc. I'm staying hopeful, though. Since we were out of town on the Friday when I was supposed to go into the office for my blood pregnancy test, I have to wait until Monday. The office doesn't have patients come in for betas on the weekends because they're so busy making sure that all the monitoring appointments, etc are taken care of. So, I'm hoping for a nice healthy beta on Monday, and then a nice healthy rise when they repeat it 2-3 days later.

Pregnant Women are Smug

I saw a video on YouTube with this title. It involved two women singing a song about how smug pregnant women can be. I don’t actually think all pregnant women are smug…but every once in awhile my jealously gets the better of me and I start resenting anyone with a baby bump. Last week I was especially mad at the world. I found myself in public areas scoping out the midsections of women like some gals scope out shoes or handbags. If I spotted the tell-tale bulge I thought, “is it really necessary to flaunt it like that?” As if someone who could give birth any minute could hide it from the rest of the world!

Before there is a lot of outrage from women who are or who have been pregnant...I know this is irrational. I’ve been pumping myself full of hormones and they won’t let me off the infertility roller coaster. I’m admittedly a bit all over the place emotionally. I also don’t think that couples who conceive children easily are any less in love with their child than I will be. But there are days when I’m just not the nice person I’d like to be.

Yesterday we had another IUI, so I'm feeling more hopeful again. At least we're at a point again where it's possible that we might get pregnant. Also, we're headed to Alaska for a belated honeymoon in a few days so the trip will help me keep my mind off of all things baby-related (at least to a certain extent).

Couldn't have explained it better...

So, even though I explained some of this in my post where I documented what is involved in a typical cycle, I thought I'd include this link. It's from the fertility clinic where I work and explains things much more succinctly and clearly. Monitoring Mayhem 101

I wish that more people knew what most women went through when going through fertility treatments. With so many TV shows documenting the births of multiples, there is a misconception that we all are baby-hungry women or couples with no sense of responsibility. Most clinics follow strict ethical guidelines and demand frequent monitoring to keep high-order multiple births at a minimum. The goal is a healthy singleton pregnancy, though there is a slightly higher rate of twins. Higher order multiples do occur, but they're not the norm (and at my clinic, triplets is seen as a lot...we're not talking about a lot of moms having 6+ kids).

I have to admit that I've been part of the problem. By not being completely open with everyone in my life about our infertility, I'm one more person who has information to share but who is remaining fairly quiet. So...most people are "educated" through TLC or the Discovery Channel. At the same time, it's hard to open up to someone only to hear them say that God must not want us to be parents, or hear them imply that I'm trying to become the next Octomom. It's a double-edged sword. If I'm open, then I leave myself vulnearable to being hurt. If I remain quiet, than I allow those misconceptions to remain unchallenged. It's something that I need to work on, but I hope that I can be an advocate for others who are struggling to become parents.

That's a wrap

So, I've peed on a stick (POAS)and it's negative. Well, I took two pregnancy tests, actually...both negative. My blood test is scheduled in 2 days but it would be very unlikely for me to not see a positive on the home test at this point.

So, here we go again. At least I can allow myself to feel puny for the next couple of days and wrap my head around another failed cycle...because we have to gear up for the next one soon!

The Two Week Wait

I'm on day nine after ovulation. Five to go until I have my pregnancy test. I was surviving the 2WW more gracefully than I had in the past...until today.

The first 2 weeks of a cycle are busy and involve numerous blood draws, ultrasounds, and needlesticks. But, at least I know what's going on every few days. Now I just feel untethered, as if they simply let me loose in the world to try to grow a baby!

I think I became upset today because I really don't have any signs that lead me to believe I'm pregnant. The fertility folks tell us that each cycle is different, and each 2ww can come with different symptoms whether it ends in a positive or negative blood test. But I was hoping I'd feel something. I did feel different during my last 2WW, which ended in a pregnancy. One minute I count it as a bad sign, and the next I convince myself that my symptoms last cycle were because I had a pregnancy that wasn't destined to last long and that my body was reacting to that.

At the end of the day, I'm just being whiny and I realize that. There are so many more pressing problems in our lives and in the world. But today, infertility and trying to have a child seemed to suddenly consume my mind.