Mother's Day

For those dealing with infertility, Mother's Day can be a very difficult time. Not all women find this to be the case, but for some it's just a painful reminder of their struggles.

Despite our difficulties building our family, and our impending miscarriage, I see this as a day to focus on the fact that I have a wonderful mother who is alive and well. I'm so fortunate to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her, and to hug her when we visit. This isn't the case for those women who have lost their mother's, and I realize how wonderful I have it.

I also have a mother-in-law whom I love. Not only has she welcomed me into the family with open arms, but she raised her son in such a way that he's a wonderful husband.

I'm sure that parts of this day will make me a little sad....it's only natural. Overall, however, I see it as a day to celebrate the women in my life who have been so important to me.

Wallowing

So, my beta is falling slowly. I just want to move on, but this is dragging out. Also, our lives have been turned upside down and it may not be the best time to keep trying. Not knowing when we will cycle again is actually very stressful. Giving myself shots, going in for frequent appointments...it's all become my new normal. I don't know how I'd do if we had to take a breatk.

We're so very worried about our ill loved one. Because of this, I feel horrible for being sad for our loss. On one hand, I wasn't carrying a baby for months, and we found out that we weren't going to stay pregnant only a few days after the first test. However, thinking about the fact that we were going to have a baby was something positive that we could hold onto despite the fact that everything else seemed to be going so wrong.

I've wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I can remember. I don't just want to have babies. Yes, they're cute, cuddly, innocent, and new. Having a baby would be an exciting (albeit exhausting) time. But I want to have children and watch them grow into young adults. I want to try to guide them in the world the best we can, and I want to witness their personalities bloom. I know it will happen one day, but right now I just feel so defeated.

Heartbreak

Today's beta test was lower than the first. It is supposed to double in 48-72 hours, so this means that I likely have an ectopic or chemical pregnancy. The RE is thinking it's a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage before the little one is big enough to see on an ultrasound, but after a pregnancy can be detected by a blood test).

I'm so very sad right now. I hated having to tell Edward/Alex after all he's been through lately. I was hoping that looking forward to Munchkin's arrival would give us some hope to hold on to in these difficult times.

Bittersweet

This past week has seen us on a roller coaster of emotions. Just over a week ago, we lost my Granddaddy. The funeral service was lovely, and it was wonderful to see the whole family, but it was so sad to tell Granddaddy goodbye.

A few days after the funeral, we found out that we were pregnant. Obviously, we were over-joyed, but right now it's still a cautious excitement.

A couple of days after finding out that we were having a baby, a person very dear to us fell ill. I don't want to say who this person is without his/her permission, but this is weighing heavily on our hearts.

Tomorrow I go in for a second blood test (beta). My first was done on Friday and was 107. They're looking for an appropriate rise to let us know that Munchkin is growing normally.

So, it's been quite a week. We're mouring a loss, celebrating a life, and praying that our loved-one will be healthy soon.