Pregnant Women are Smug

I saw a video on YouTube with this title. It involved two women singing a song about how smug pregnant women can be. I don’t actually think all pregnant women are smug…but every once in awhile my jealously gets the better of me and I start resenting anyone with a baby bump. Last week I was especially mad at the world. I found myself in public areas scoping out the midsections of women like some gals scope out shoes or handbags. If I spotted the tell-tale bulge I thought, “is it really necessary to flaunt it like that?” As if someone who could give birth any minute could hide it from the rest of the world!

Before there is a lot of outrage from women who are or who have been pregnant...I know this is irrational. I’ve been pumping myself full of hormones and they won’t let me off the infertility roller coaster. I’m admittedly a bit all over the place emotionally. I also don’t think that couples who conceive children easily are any less in love with their child than I will be. But there are days when I’m just not the nice person I’d like to be.

Yesterday we had another IUI, so I'm feeling more hopeful again. At least we're at a point again where it's possible that we might get pregnant. Also, we're headed to Alaska for a belated honeymoon in a few days so the trip will help me keep my mind off of all things baby-related (at least to a certain extent).

Couldn't have explained it better...

So, even though I explained some of this in my post where I documented what is involved in a typical cycle, I thought I'd include this link. It's from the fertility clinic where I work and explains things much more succinctly and clearly. Monitoring Mayhem 101

I wish that more people knew what most women went through when going through fertility treatments. With so many TV shows documenting the births of multiples, there is a misconception that we all are baby-hungry women or couples with no sense of responsibility. Most clinics follow strict ethical guidelines and demand frequent monitoring to keep high-order multiple births at a minimum. The goal is a healthy singleton pregnancy, though there is a slightly higher rate of twins. Higher order multiples do occur, but they're not the norm (and at my clinic, triplets is seen as a lot...we're not talking about a lot of moms having 6+ kids).

I have to admit that I've been part of the problem. By not being completely open with everyone in my life about our infertility, I'm one more person who has information to share but who is remaining fairly quiet. So...most people are "educated" through TLC or the Discovery Channel. At the same time, it's hard to open up to someone only to hear them say that God must not want us to be parents, or hear them imply that I'm trying to become the next Octomom. It's a double-edged sword. If I'm open, then I leave myself vulnearable to being hurt. If I remain quiet, than I allow those misconceptions to remain unchallenged. It's something that I need to work on, but I hope that I can be an advocate for others who are struggling to become parents.

That's a wrap

So, I've peed on a stick (POAS)and it's negative. Well, I took two pregnancy tests, actually...both negative. My blood test is scheduled in 2 days but it would be very unlikely for me to not see a positive on the home test at this point.

So, here we go again. At least I can allow myself to feel puny for the next couple of days and wrap my head around another failed cycle...because we have to gear up for the next one soon!

The Two Week Wait

I'm on day nine after ovulation. Five to go until I have my pregnancy test. I was surviving the 2WW more gracefully than I had in the past...until today.

The first 2 weeks of a cycle are busy and involve numerous blood draws, ultrasounds, and needlesticks. But, at least I know what's going on every few days. Now I just feel untethered, as if they simply let me loose in the world to try to grow a baby!

I think I became upset today because I really don't have any signs that lead me to believe I'm pregnant. The fertility folks tell us that each cycle is different, and each 2ww can come with different symptoms whether it ends in a positive or negative blood test. But I was hoping I'd feel something. I did feel different during my last 2WW, which ended in a pregnancy. One minute I count it as a bad sign, and the next I convince myself that my symptoms last cycle were because I had a pregnancy that wasn't destined to last long and that my body was reacting to that.

At the end of the day, I'm just being whiny and I realize that. There are so many more pressing problems in our lives and in the world. But today, infertility and trying to have a child seemed to suddenly consume my mind.

My Waitin'-for-Baby-Anthem

I've adopted Michael Buble's song I Just Haven't Met You Yet as my sound track to our family building journey.

I'm not technically savy enough to put up a link to the actual song, but here are the lyrics:

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

No mood music?

I went in for our first IUI (intrauterine insemination) today. If one more person asks if this is "the turkey baster method" I'll pull my hair out. I realize that this is meant as an innocent question and it shouldn't bother me, but for some reason it does.

Previously, we were using "timed intercourse." Sounds fun, right? Nothing ruins the mood like a middle-aged doctor telling you that "tonight is the night."

IUI really isn't much sexier. I had an appointment to drop off "the cup." They perform a semen analysis and then prepare the specimen for the procedure (it has to be "washed" so that my uterus doesn't have a fit.

I came back to the office a bit later. They showed me how the ensured that none of the specimens became mixed up, which of course increased my anxiety 10-fold. I hadn't really thought of that minute possibility up to that point. The doc took a very thin catheter and passed it through my cervix, pushed the plunger, and was done. It took all of 2 seconds.

That was it. I knew it was a really simple procedure, but I was really disappointed by how anticlimactic it was! After seven monitoring appointments, 13 days of injections, rushing to the office with "the cup"...I felt like I should have been given a balloon or a lollipop.

The ins and outs of cycling

I haven't posted in awhile because we've been in conception limbo. I was sidelined for a few weeks due to a cyst. Also, no one knows about this blog yet, so I don't have anyone asking for updates!

This post is to demonstrate what is involved in a cycle. Some people have expressed curiosity about what is involved. It's in no way meant to be a "look what we had to do" post....there are many who go through a heck of a lot more to have a child. This is just to explain the IUI (intrauterine insemination) process. Here is a "brief" primer.

Disclaimer: This may be too much information for some. If you continue reading, you agree not be all strange and weird if you read something you think is gross or embarrassing.

FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone. The injections that I give myself are FSH. Because I have PCOS, I am at a higher risk of overstimulating and creating too many follicles. The Follistim Pen allows for fine tuning the doseage (in increments of roughly 8 units), however my insurance covers Gonal F which comes in a vial and is drawn up in syringes that are marked in 37.5 increments. So if you're reading this and have used either of these medications...this is why the total doses may look a little funky! It means that I usually have to give myself 2 injections rather than 1, but it saves a LOT of money so I'm up for it!

LH: Luetenizing Hormone

E2: Estradiol level. This is used to monitor whether or not I am being overstimulated. They're also looking for the level to correspond with a mature follicle.

Follicle: Cyst-like part of an ovary which contains an egg. As the follicle grows, the egg matures. Ovulation occurs when the mature follicle ruptures and relases the egg. The doctor with have me give myself a "trigger" injection once a follicle is mature (between 18-22 mm). This will cause ovulation. In a "natural" cycle, the LH level surges. This is mimicked by the trigger injection (hCG, the pregnancy hormone, which acts like LH...details, details).

CD#: Cycle Day #. You know when you're trying to conceive and/or dealing with infertility when you measure time in cycle days, or when you schedule around certain cycle days!



Now, onto the cycle details. It's a bit long. Each cycle is different. I never respond the same way. This is an example of our 4th injectable cycle, first intrauterine insemination (IUI).

CD 1 1st day of period. Called the office to set up my baseline ultrasound (u/s) and bloodwork (BW)for CD3. This is to look for any cysts that could become a problem if I were to start treatment. If they see a cyst, the cycle is canceled and I take birth control pills for 3 weeks to calm the ovaries down and shrink the cyst. This has happened once so far and I didn't enjoy the break!

CD3 Ultrasound looks great. Start 120 units of FSH every night, return on CD7 for u/s and BW.

CD 7 Ultrasound shows that there are about 4 follicles at the starting gate (right around 10mm). Lining is thickening up. Estrogen (E2) level is slightly higher than they’d like at this stage, however. We aren’t trying to have high order multiples…one or two mature follicles is the goal. Any more and we’d have to cancel the cycle. Dose of FSH is decreased to 83 units tonight, and I come back tomorrow morning for BW and u/s.

CD 8 Two follicles slightly larger than 10 mm, E2 level is back down. Increasing dose of FSH to 100 units for the next 2 nights and returning on CD 10 for u/s and BW.

CD 10 I was expecting to have 1 or 2 follicles that had taken the lead and were 13-15 mm….but instead I have 8 right around 10 mm, and my E2 level didn't move much (112) So…we’re increasing the dose to 112 units for 2 days and I’m back into the office on CD 12.

CD 12 My E2 level shot up to 300. I have one follie at 13 mm and one at 11. Everything else is 10 or less. Hopefully that 13 (and maybe the 11) will be the only two which keep growing and the others hold off. They decreased my dose to 75 units and I come back again in the morning.

CD 13 We've got a follie at 17.1! Likely triggering tomorrow. I assume my E2 level is down somewhat as the doctor wants me to increase the dose to 150 units. My usual nurse was out and the one covering didn't leave details in the message. I'm back yet again tomorrow.

CD 14 Goodness gracious....these follicles aren't reading the textbooks! They're supposed to grow 1-2 mm per day. Instead, the lead follicle jumped from 13mm to 17mm in one day and then decided to slow down. It only grew from 17.1 to 17.8 today. The measurements are estimates based on the ultrasound, though. My E2 levels look good, so we're triggering!!

CD16 IUI today. I'll make a separate post about this.

CD 17-29 The dreaded two week wait (2WW). Honestly...this is the hardest part. While I do have to take progesterone in a manner that I prefer not to share, I don't have to give myself any shots. There are no visits for bloodwork or ultrasounds. At the same time, I have 2 weeks to wait until I know anything. At least during the "stim" period I only had to wait 1-4 days to know whether things were progressing as they should.