For those dealing with infertility, Mother's Day can be a very difficult time. Not all women find this to be the case, but for some it's just a painful reminder of their struggles.
Despite our difficulties building our family, and our impending miscarriage, I see this as a day to focus on the fact that I have a wonderful mother who is alive and well. I'm so fortunate to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her, and to hug her when we visit. This isn't the case for those women who have lost their mother's, and I realize how wonderful I have it.
I also have a mother-in-law whom I love. Not only has she welcomed me into the family with open arms, but she raised her son in such a way that he's a wonderful husband.
I'm sure that parts of this day will make me a little sad....it's only natural. Overall, however, I see it as a day to celebrate the women in my life who have been so important to me.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wallowing
So, my beta is falling slowly. I just want to move on, but this is dragging out. Also, our lives have been turned upside down and it may not be the best time to keep trying. Not knowing when we will cycle again is actually very stressful. Giving myself shots, going in for frequent appointments...it's all become my new normal. I don't know how I'd do if we had to take a breatk.
We're so very worried about our ill loved one. Because of this, I feel horrible for being sad for our loss. On one hand, I wasn't carrying a baby for months, and we found out that we weren't going to stay pregnant only a few days after the first test. However, thinking about the fact that we were going to have a baby was something positive that we could hold onto despite the fact that everything else seemed to be going so wrong.
I've wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I can remember. I don't just want to have babies. Yes, they're cute, cuddly, innocent, and new. Having a baby would be an exciting (albeit exhausting) time. But I want to have children and watch them grow into young adults. I want to try to guide them in the world the best we can, and I want to witness their personalities bloom. I know it will happen one day, but right now I just feel so defeated.
We're so very worried about our ill loved one. Because of this, I feel horrible for being sad for our loss. On one hand, I wasn't carrying a baby for months, and we found out that we weren't going to stay pregnant only a few days after the first test. However, thinking about the fact that we were going to have a baby was something positive that we could hold onto despite the fact that everything else seemed to be going so wrong.
I've wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I can remember. I don't just want to have babies. Yes, they're cute, cuddly, innocent, and new. Having a baby would be an exciting (albeit exhausting) time. But I want to have children and watch them grow into young adults. I want to try to guide them in the world the best we can, and I want to witness their personalities bloom. I know it will happen one day, but right now I just feel so defeated.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Heartbreak
Today's beta test was lower than the first. It is supposed to double in 48-72 hours, so this means that I likely have an ectopic or chemical pregnancy. The RE is thinking it's a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage before the little one is big enough to see on an ultrasound, but after a pregnancy can be detected by a blood test).
I'm so very sad right now. I hated having to tell Edward/Alex after all he's been through lately. I was hoping that looking forward to Munchkin's arrival would give us some hope to hold on to in these difficult times.
I'm so very sad right now. I hated having to tell Edward/Alex after all he's been through lately. I was hoping that looking forward to Munchkin's arrival would give us some hope to hold on to in these difficult times.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Bittersweet
This past week has seen us on a roller coaster of emotions. Just over a week ago, we lost my Granddaddy. The funeral service was lovely, and it was wonderful to see the whole family, but it was so sad to tell Granddaddy goodbye.
A few days after the funeral, we found out that we were pregnant. Obviously, we were over-joyed, but right now it's still a cautious excitement.
A couple of days after finding out that we were having a baby, a person very dear to us fell ill. I don't want to say who this person is without his/her permission, but this is weighing heavily on our hearts.
Tomorrow I go in for a second blood test (beta). My first was done on Friday and was 107. They're looking for an appropriate rise to let us know that Munchkin is growing normally.
So, it's been quite a week. We're mouring a loss, celebrating a life, and praying that our loved-one will be healthy soon.
A few days after the funeral, we found out that we were pregnant. Obviously, we were over-joyed, but right now it's still a cautious excitement.
A couple of days after finding out that we were having a baby, a person very dear to us fell ill. I don't want to say who this person is without his/her permission, but this is weighing heavily on our hearts.
Tomorrow I go in for a second blood test (beta). My first was done on Friday and was 107. They're looking for an appropriate rise to let us know that Munchkin is growing normally.
So, it's been quite a week. We're mouring a loss, celebrating a life, and praying that our loved-one will be healthy soon.
Friday, April 30, 2010
How We Got Here
Don't worry! It's not a "too much information" post like you might be thinking!
I just wanted to talk a little bit about what we went through to start our family. We (actually I) had some fertility problems. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This is a medical condition with many implications, but for the purpose of this blog the important thing to know is that it can prevent a woman from ovulating. Obviously, my ability to lay an egg would be a bit important in the whole trying-to-have-a-baby process. We were fortunate that we didn't have to contend with any additional factors.
We saw the fertility specialist (RE) and had some preliminary testing (I'll spare you the details). To be honest, I was a bit embarrassed and ashamed at first. I think that when a woman wants to be a mother, the inability to do so really does a number on her psyche. As I learned more about how common this was, and did more research, I felt more frustrated than embarrassed. We told very few people. This was primarily because I didn't feel that I could handle the pressure of many people knowing what we were going through and asking for updates, despite the good intentions. I was afraid that I'd become too wrapped up in feeling like I was letting others down. At the same time, I felt like staying quiet about it was perpetuating the stigma of infertility. So, I'm hoping that by being more open about it at this time I can help some other folks who might be going through a similar situation.
Back to our journey. First, they tried an oral medication to make me ovulate. Despite higher and higher dosages I never responded. So, we moved on to injectable medications to make me ovulate. I gave myself two shots every day, and went in for frequent "monitoring appointments." We were seeing a specialist who believed in being safe and sensible. We were not trying to have a litter of babies and have our own cable show. The goal was one healthy baby at a time, with the knowledge that we would have a slightly higher chance of having twins. This meant that I went in for bloodwork and ultrasounds every few days. If at any point I was developing too many follicles they would have canceled my cycle.
The first two injectable cycles were negative. Towards the end of our third cycle, we went into the RE's office to discuss what our next steps would be if this cycle was also negative. According to the RE, most couples would conceive within 3 injectable cycles. After that, the chances started to decrease with each successive cycle. He said we could try 1-2 more injectable cycles and then to IVF if we still weren't pregnant. Or, we could move straight to IVF.
We had a long conversation about what would be best for our family. We had been researching adoption, since we had discussed adoption even before we were married. I was leaning heavily toward adoption, and Edward/Alex was (to my surprise) leaning more towards IVF. There were pros and cons to each (financial concerns, emotional strain, health risks, etc). I won't go into all of them here (this post is getting to be long enough), but just understand that it's not an easy decision to make! We ultimately decided we'd try 1-2 more injectable cycles while we did more research and tried to decide which road we wanted to take.
Three days before I was scheduled to go in for my blood test, I "peed on a stick." Actually....I peed on 4. I had 5 but I didn't want to get carried away or anything ;-) They were all positive, and I couldn't believe it!
I realize how fortunate we've been. I didn't go through nearly as much as some women must go through. But infertility is painful no matter how you slice it.
Adoption may very well still be in our future. We still really like the idea of becoming parents to a child who needs a home. Right now, however, we're pregnant. Welcome to our story!
I just wanted to talk a little bit about what we went through to start our family. We (actually I) had some fertility problems. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This is a medical condition with many implications, but for the purpose of this blog the important thing to know is that it can prevent a woman from ovulating. Obviously, my ability to lay an egg would be a bit important in the whole trying-to-have-a-baby process. We were fortunate that we didn't have to contend with any additional factors.
We saw the fertility specialist (RE) and had some preliminary testing (I'll spare you the details). To be honest, I was a bit embarrassed and ashamed at first. I think that when a woman wants to be a mother, the inability to do so really does a number on her psyche. As I learned more about how common this was, and did more research, I felt more frustrated than embarrassed. We told very few people. This was primarily because I didn't feel that I could handle the pressure of many people knowing what we were going through and asking for updates, despite the good intentions. I was afraid that I'd become too wrapped up in feeling like I was letting others down. At the same time, I felt like staying quiet about it was perpetuating the stigma of infertility. So, I'm hoping that by being more open about it at this time I can help some other folks who might be going through a similar situation.
Back to our journey. First, they tried an oral medication to make me ovulate. Despite higher and higher dosages I never responded. So, we moved on to injectable medications to make me ovulate. I gave myself two shots every day, and went in for frequent "monitoring appointments." We were seeing a specialist who believed in being safe and sensible. We were not trying to have a litter of babies and have our own cable show. The goal was one healthy baby at a time, with the knowledge that we would have a slightly higher chance of having twins. This meant that I went in for bloodwork and ultrasounds every few days. If at any point I was developing too many follicles they would have canceled my cycle.
The first two injectable cycles were negative. Towards the end of our third cycle, we went into the RE's office to discuss what our next steps would be if this cycle was also negative. According to the RE, most couples would conceive within 3 injectable cycles. After that, the chances started to decrease with each successive cycle. He said we could try 1-2 more injectable cycles and then to IVF if we still weren't pregnant. Or, we could move straight to IVF.
We had a long conversation about what would be best for our family. We had been researching adoption, since we had discussed adoption even before we were married. I was leaning heavily toward adoption, and Edward/Alex was (to my surprise) leaning more towards IVF. There were pros and cons to each (financial concerns, emotional strain, health risks, etc). I won't go into all of them here (this post is getting to be long enough), but just understand that it's not an easy decision to make! We ultimately decided we'd try 1-2 more injectable cycles while we did more research and tried to decide which road we wanted to take.
Three days before I was scheduled to go in for my blood test, I "peed on a stick." Actually....I peed on 4. I had 5 but I didn't want to get carried away or anything ;-) They were all positive, and I couldn't believe it!
I realize how fortunate we've been. I didn't go through nearly as much as some women must go through. But infertility is painful no matter how you slice it.
Adoption may very well still be in our future. We still really like the idea of becoming parents to a child who needs a home. Right now, however, we're pregnant. Welcome to our story!
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