(Mis)adventures in Parenting: Sleep? What's that like?

When we were trying to have a baby, and then when I was pregnant I liked being able to hear about the experiences of other folks who had gone through similar situations. I haven't had much time on my hands but I'm hoping to do a few posts about how we've approached parenting so far. I may not be able to write these frequently (I've been working on this one post for weeks), but I'll try. Since it seems to be the thing question everyone asks about, I thought I'd try to tackle sleep (or lack thereof) first.

First off, I'd like to make it clear that I am a firm believer that families need to do what works for their unique situation. As long as everyone is happy, healthy, and safe, then I think that there are often no "right" answers which apply to everyone. I don't think that our approach will necessarily work for everyone. As a medical provider I'm probably "supposed" to agree with the medical establishment at large which tends to state that babies should NEVER sleep in the same bed as the parents and that we should all sleep train our children as soon as possible. Call me a rebel but I really just don't buy it! I think that there is a safe way to co-sleep or bedshare, but, quite frankly, I think it's too much work for a lot of pediatricians to try to spell it all out. Plus, there are people out there who just won't listen. They may feel that it's best just to say that it's unsafe and unadvised in all situations. See the links at the end of the post if you want more information on safe co-sleeping and/or bedsharing.

Benji is not a fan of sleeping for long periods. At first, we thought we really had it easy. Except for those first few days, he didn't seem to have his days and nights mixed up. He would wake up to eat, but he usually went right back to sleep without any problem. Over his 2 months he started to slowly lengthen the time between awakenings at night. He went from waking every 1-2 hours to waking every 3-5. Right before I went back to work, he would fall asleep around 9pm, wake up again around 1 or 2 am, and then wake up again between 5 and 6. This was doable! I figured that I would just go to bed when he did, feed him once in the middle of the night, and then woke up early to get ready for work.

As soon as I started working, however, the child started getting up every 1-2 hours at night. It was like having a newborn all over again...but now I wasn't still on maternity leave. That meant that I could not try to nap with him during the day (which I admittedly wasn't that great about doing even when I could). I functioned better at work than I thought I would, but I was certainly exhausted. But, I figured it was just a phase and he would soon go back to sleeping for longer stretches.

That was 6 months ago. And Benji has no intention of even thinking about trying to sleep for longer stretches. He's a very happy baby when he's awake (which is wonderful...it's a lot harder to feel sorry for yourself when you wake up to a baby who is singing and clapping as soon as he opens his eyes). He's a fabulous and pleasant baby in every way. But he does NOT want to sleep. Even his naps are more like cat naps than true naps. Twenty minutes and he's ready to go again!

One of the problems seems to be his eczema. He, more often then not, will start to scratch in his sleep and then wake up trying to scratch his face off or pull at the skin on his arm. At other times he's been teething (although I feel like this isn't as disruptive as other factors), or he has had a cold and wakes up when he can't breathe through his nose.

After Benji grew out of his Arm's Reach CoSleeper, we transitioned him into his crib. At this point I was dreading nighttime. I couldn't sleep because I was constantly listening to the monitor and just waiting for him to wake up. And, I couldn't always tell when he was waking up for real, or just making sleep noises. I was constantly up and going back and forth between his room and our room. Poor Ed/Alex tried to help, but Benji wanted to nurse back to sleep. He would just become more and more upset and was harder to calm down.

In order to survive, I started to co-sleep with Benji in our bed. Ed/Alex slept in the guest room so that we could be safe (he's a heavy sleeper and we have a queen bed which doesn't leave enough room for the three of us to share the space safely). It was great! Benji would wake up, nurse, and go back to sleep. I didn't have to leave the bed, he didn't get upset waiting for me to come to him, and I no longer woke up wondering how I was going to make it through the day.

But, I started to feel like my husband and I were just housemates. At times I even felt like we were working for the same company, but in different departments...we had the same general goals but we worked towards them separately and only really saw each other for meetings and holiday get-togethers! He wanted to help with the nighttime parenting, but it seemed silly to let Benji get worked up while I went down the hall to get Daddy...when I was right there.

So, we began to try to figure out how to bring Ed back into the room. We did try to have him sleep in his Pack-N-Play in our room but he wasn't buying what we were selling! He'd be out cold but as soon as we put him in it he would wake up and wail. We had several options, but ultimately we decided to try to sidecar Benji's crib to the bed (essentially creating a co-sleeper for a bigger baby than the ArmsReach can accomodate). Here is a link which shows how one family created a sidecar.

The side car is working for now. He still doesn't sleep well, but we all survive and no-one is sleeping on an air mattress. One day he will sleep for longer stretches (though it sure doesn't feel like it right now). When he does, we'll try to move the crib to the side of the room and then down the hall into his bedroom. But right now he needs Mommy or Daddy to help him get back to sleep, and we're really okay with that.

We've had plenty of people tell us we should "Ferberize" him, or just let him cry in his crib and he'll figure it all out. We just can't do it. Right now we feel like he has reasons for waking and that we are okay with helping him get back to sleep. He'll learn to get himself back to sleep in time.

Now, if we were resentful or angry with Benji, then I do think that letting him cry would be a better option...any time a parent feels overwhelming frustration or anger (for example, with a colicky baby), it's better to leave the baby in a safe place to let them cry while the parent takes a few deep breaths. Again...every family is different. Every child is different (even within the same family). Every situation is different. Right now we know what we can accept and at what point we need to make changes to keep everyone happy and healthy.

I really like this article by a "rogue" pediatrician who chooses to co-sleep. She makes a point to note that she is not in favor of spoiling children or letting them get away with everything. Like her, we will expect Benji to respect his elders, be kind, and to follow rules. We want him to know that we will always try our best to give him what he needs, and occasionally even what he wants (and to know the difference)! But right now we feel that he needs us to comfort him back to sleep and to help him learn that sleep is a peaceful, enjoyable experience.

For those interested in safe co-sleeping, here are a few links:

From the University of Notre Dame, Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory

Dr. Sears' take on the subject

What a Guy!

Look who is 9 months old! He isn't quite crawling yet but he will be any day now. It's so much fun to watch him try explore just what he can do. You can almost see that little mind working when he's trying to make something happen!

As you can see, it's getting harder to keep him still enough to get a picture with the duck!

He's starting to be a little less interested in pureed/milled foods and wants to try to eat what we're eating. Before he was born I tried to convince Ed/Alex that we should try Baby Led Weaning (or Baby Led Solids). He wasn't to excited about that so we started out with the mushy stuff. I make his food, so he still often eats what we eat (just a bit modified to make sure he's not getting extra salt, sugar, etc). Now, though, he's having fun trying to eat "big people" food!

He loves avocado! I usually strip him before feeding him but I must have had a lapse of judgement that day. Talk about a mess! The problem with avocado is that it's awfully slippery. I read a tip about cutting it into quarters and leaving the skin on...he can grab it and suck/gnaw/gum his way to a full belly. I may also try dicing it and rolling it in Cheerio dust.

He loves to play on the playground, play with his toys, and pretty much bang on anything that is bang-able! He's still not a fan of sleeping, but hey....he's awfully happy when he's awake!

Joy to the World

Someone turned 8 months old (on 12/26/11) and recently celebrated his first Christmas!


We had a very busy holiday season but we loved every minute. Benji may not have realized that it was his first Christmas...but everyone else sure did! We had a great time seeing the holidays through his little eyes. I know it will become even more special as he starts to actually understand!

The best part of the holidays, of course, is getting to spend time with our families. This year we spent Thanksgiving with my folks and Christmas with the Bremners, but we were able to take another trip down to NC to see my folks after New Years.

Benji hasn't lacked for people to love him and squeeze him. He ate up the attention and asked for more!

Now that we're back home we're battling some more eczema and teething, but he's still as happy a camper as he ever was. We are tickled when our little scientist does his daily "gravity test." He'll find something to dangle off of the high chair/lap, etc and then he'll watch it fall. Yep....still works! He loves to clap, and he's renewed his interest in his hands. He seems to have discovered that he can move his fingers individually and it facinates him.

I have a feeling he's going to be crawling any day now. My mom says I never crawled, I just went straight to walking. He may do the same as he seems more interested in trying to pull up than he does to crawl. But he may decide to take a bit of a yoga detour first...he keeps getting himself into a "downward dog" position!

7 months + (let's face it...I'm always a little behind)

Yep...a bit late for the 7 months post. We've been quite busy. We went down to NC for Thanksgiving and had a great time. I always miss my family, but it's even harder to be away now that we have the young'un.

In the past few days he's learned how to clap and wave. He has finally cut his first tooth. He says "da da da" and "ba ba ba" and "rar rar rar," although he doesn't seem to attribute these sounds to any one person/object. He just keeps hitting milestones. I'm trying my best just to soak it all in and enjoy the ride. It sure does fly by.


I'm very much in love with this child. W
When he looks at me and smiles, and those big eyes twinkle...I melt every single time.

Here are a few pictures from our trip down to NC.







This last picture is from when Benji and I played "ChubWub's bus." He picked up his stuffed animals at different "stops!"

Update on the ChubWub

So...it's quite a belated 6 month post! I apologize for the delay.

Benji has been keeping us on our toes. He's becoming more and more active and playful with each passing day. He's sitting up with only the occasional topple, so we spend a lot of time playing with toys on the floor. He also loves to go outside, so we try to get out daily to take a walk and to go to the tot lot where he enjoys swinging and going down the slide with Mommy. We also have what I half-jokenly call our "nature studis" where I let him explore his world. Lately, the fall leaves have been providing a lot of excitment.

He's really a funny and silly kid. He loves to laugh and giggle. It's also very clear that he's ruled by his little ego (as he should at this age). If one of us is holding him in our lap, but talking to someone else, he'll lean forward and smile until we make eye contact. He's just reminding us that the world still revolves around him!

He's really a sweet, sweet baby. I can't believe he's already been here 6 months, and yet I also can't seem to remember what life was like before he was here. It's hard to imagine that there was a time when I didn't know if we'd be blessed with a child. It's also hard to remember what it was like to feel him kick when I was pregnant, and yet not know whether the baby inside was a boy or a girl, or what the baby looked like. If I think about my days in college, or getting married, my mind wants to insert Benji into those memories! It really feels like I've known him forever. Isn't that what people say when they fall in love? Well....I guess that's exactly what has happened!!

We're headed down to NC for Thanksgiving, and we're excited for the trip. Benji should be especially excited. Now that he's exploring solids, he's got an awful lot of good Southern cooking to try for the holidays!

What an Adventure

I can't believe it's been a month since I've posted last. I was taking Benji's 5 month picture, and I felt like I had just taken the 4 month shot...it didn't seem like a whole month could have come and gone again.

He is still such a joy. He wakes up happy every morning and he always seems excited to find out what a new day will bring. It really makes a difference seeing the world through a child's eyes. Everything is new and exciting and different. He notices things that we may take for granted, and it's nice to take a step back and see things from his perspective. Something as simple as the wind making the leaves "dance" can captivate him.

Let's see...what are his new skills? He now can not only reach for his feet, but he can put his toes in his mouth, which he finds hilarious. He's "reachy" and 'grabby" in general. Whereas in the past he would try to grab onto something if it was presented to him, he now decides what he wants and tries to go after it. He may try to grab a cup if I'm drinking from it, or he might reach for a specific toy in the bathtub. It seems that he wants whatever I'm holding. For instance, if I'm giving him a bath and he has the rubber duck and I have the washcloth, he drops the duck and grabs for the washcloth. If I then pick up the duck, he drops the cloth and wants the duck! I guess he hasn't learned the whole bit about the grass being greener on the other side!

He enjoys watching the cats, although I think they could do without him screetching at them in joy while they eat. He also seems facinated by anything with buttons. It's kind of strange...we don't let him watch TV and he really doesn't play with toys that light up, etc. But he is absolutely entranced cell phones and remote controls. If one is several feet away he'll stare at it and sometimes lunge toward it trying to reach it. Guess he's a gadget-head already.

He's a very active little boy. His desire to be up and about is a bit ahead of his ability to actually do so, but he doesn't seem to realize this! If a kid runs by when I pick him up from daycare, he lunges after them. If he's lying down, he strains to sit up. While he still needs some support to sit, he's got an amazingly strong back, and I have a feeling the little stinker is going to be sitting on his own before I know it. I have to feed him in a dark, quiet room during the day to have any hope of getting some milk in his belly. Otherwise it's like trying to nurse a wild monkey the way he wiggles, squirms, and tumbles around in order to look around the room while trying to eat. He just doesn't want to miss anything.

Despite all this activity, he has yet to really roll over on a regular basis. It seems like he's just not that interested in it. He's rolled from tummy to back a couple of times, but he didn't seem to mean to do it (he just got mad enough about being on his tummy and flipped over). He can get from his back to his belly, which is usually the more difficult of the two skills....but he rarely does it because he doesn't want to be on his belly!

I have to admit that I'm really in love with this kid. I can't stop thinking about him when I'm away, and I can't get enough of him when we're together.

4 months old

Benji is growing like a weed. He's now four months old (as of 8/26), and showing us how it's done!

The question I get asked the most these days is, "is he sleeping through the night?"

Not even close! At one point he was getting up every 3-4 hours with an occasional blissful 5 hour stretch thrown in just to make Mommy feel like a woman of leisure. Since I went back to work, however, he's been getting up every 1-3 hours to eat. His pediatrician is a stickler for sleep so he's a bit put out by it, but I'm not too worried. He's growing and developing like he should and he's a happy baby, so right now this is working for him. Not that I wouldn't enjoy a good night's sleep. But he's only a baby for so long.

Luckily, Benji is quite the morning person. He wakes up with a huge smile on his face, and is in full on let's play mode. If I wake up wanting to cry about the fact that it's already 5:30 and I have to get up and get ready for work...he manages to smile and giggle at just the right time and I suddenly feel ready to face the day.

Now that he can see the world so much more clearly, he's so interested in his world. Feedings have become like wine tastings...he'll take a few sips and then want to just sit back, have a little conversation, and take in his surroundings.

A few days ago he finally figured out how to get his feet up so that he could grab them. Those 10 little toes are providing him a lot of entertainment these days. He also loves to people watch. He's a huge flirt, and I think he knows how to get that "awww, how cute" reaction out of people.

Today, we went to the Martin Luther King, Jr Memorial with Uncle Bill and Cousin Mason. It's quite an inspirational place. I'm glad that we'll be able to take Benji when he's old enough to appreciate the significance.