When we were trying to have a baby, and then when I was pregnant I liked being able to hear about the experiences of other folks who had gone through similar situations. I haven't had much time on my hands but I'm hoping to do a few posts about how we've approached parenting so far. I may not be able to write these frequently (I've been working on this one post for weeks), but I'll try. Since it seems to be the thing question everyone asks about, I thought I'd try to tackle sleep (or lack thereof) first.
First off, I'd like to make it clear that I am a firm believer that families need to do what works for their unique situation. As long as everyone is happy, healthy, and safe, then I think that there are often no "right" answers which apply to everyone. I don't think that our approach will necessarily work for everyone. As a medical provider I'm probably "supposed" to agree with the medical establishment at large which tends to state that babies should NEVER sleep in the same bed as the parents and that we should all sleep train our children as soon as possible. Call me a rebel but I really just don't buy it! I think that there is a safe way to co-sleep or bedshare, but, quite frankly, I think it's too much work for a lot of pediatricians to try to spell it all out. Plus, there are people out there who just won't listen. They may feel that it's best just to say that it's unsafe and unadvised in all situations. See the links at the end of the post if you want more information on safe co-sleeping and/or bedsharing.
Benji is not a fan of sleeping for long periods. At first, we thought we really had it easy. Except for those first few days, he didn't seem to have his days and nights mixed up. He would wake up to eat, but he usually went right back to sleep without any problem. Over his 2 months he started to slowly lengthen the time between awakenings at night. He went from waking every 1-2 hours to waking every 3-5. Right before I went back to work, he would fall asleep around 9pm, wake up again around 1 or 2 am, and then wake up again between 5 and 6. This was doable! I figured that I would just go to bed when he did, feed him once in the middle of the night, and then woke up early to get ready for work.
As soon as I started working, however, the child started getting up every 1-2 hours at night. It was like having a newborn all over again...but now I wasn't still on maternity leave. That meant that I could not try to nap with him during the day (which I admittedly wasn't that great about doing even when I could). I functioned better at work than I thought I would, but I was certainly exhausted. But, I figured it was just a phase and he would soon go back to sleeping for longer stretches.
That was 6 months ago. And Benji has no intention of even thinking about trying to sleep for longer stretches. He's a very happy baby when he's awake (which is wonderful...it's a lot harder to feel sorry for yourself when you wake up to a baby who is singing and clapping as soon as he opens his eyes). He's a fabulous and pleasant baby in every way. But he does NOT want to sleep. Even his naps are more like cat naps than true naps. Twenty minutes and he's ready to go again!
One of the problems seems to be his eczema. He, more often then not, will start to scratch in his sleep and then wake up trying to scratch his face off or pull at the skin on his arm. At other times he's been teething (although I feel like this isn't as disruptive as other factors), or he has had a cold and wakes up when he can't breathe through his nose.
After Benji grew out of his Arm's Reach CoSleeper, we transitioned him into his crib. At this point I was dreading nighttime. I couldn't sleep because I was constantly listening to the monitor and just waiting for him to wake up. And, I couldn't always tell when he was waking up for real, or just making sleep noises. I was constantly up and going back and forth between his room and our room. Poor Ed/Alex tried to help, but Benji wanted to nurse back to sleep. He would just become more and more upset and was harder to calm down.
In order to survive, I started to co-sleep with Benji in our bed. Ed/Alex slept in the guest room so that we could be safe (he's a heavy sleeper and we have a queen bed which doesn't leave enough room for the three of us to share the space safely). It was great! Benji would wake up, nurse, and go back to sleep. I didn't have to leave the bed, he didn't get upset waiting for me to come to him, and I no longer woke up wondering how I was going to make it through the day.
But, I started to feel like my husband and I were just housemates. At times I even felt like we were working for the same company, but in different departments...we had the same general goals but we worked towards them separately and only really saw each other for meetings and holiday get-togethers! He wanted to help with the nighttime parenting, but it seemed silly to let Benji get worked up while I went down the hall to get Daddy...when I was right there.
So, we began to try to figure out how to bring Ed back into the room. We did try to have him sleep in his Pack-N-Play in our room but he wasn't buying what we were selling! He'd be out cold but as soon as we put him in it he would wake up and wail. We had several options, but ultimately we decided to try to sidecar Benji's crib to the bed (essentially creating a co-sleeper for a bigger baby than the ArmsReach can accomodate). Here is a link which shows how one family created a sidecar.
The side car is working for now. He still doesn't sleep well, but we all survive and no-one is sleeping on an air mattress. One day he will sleep for longer stretches (though it sure doesn't feel like it right now). When he does, we'll try to move the crib to the side of the room and then down the hall into his bedroom. But right now he needs Mommy or Daddy to help him get back to sleep, and we're really okay with that.
We've had plenty of people tell us we should "Ferberize" him, or just let him cry in his crib and he'll figure it all out. We just can't do it. Right now we feel like he has reasons for waking and that we are okay with helping him get back to sleep. He'll learn to get himself back to sleep in time.
Now, if we were resentful or angry with Benji, then I do think that letting him cry would be a better option...any time a parent feels overwhelming frustration or anger (for example, with a colicky baby), it's better to leave the baby in a safe place to let them cry while the parent takes a few deep breaths. Again...every family is different. Every child is different (even within the same family). Every situation is different. Right now we know what we can accept and at what point we need to make changes to keep everyone happy and healthy.
I really like this article by a "rogue" pediatrician who chooses to co-sleep. She makes a point to note that she is not in favor of spoiling children or letting them get away with everything. Like her, we will expect Benji to respect his elders, be kind, and to follow rules. We want him to know that we will always try our best to give him what he needs, and occasionally even what he wants (and to know the difference)! But right now we feel that he needs us to comfort him back to sleep and to help him learn that sleep is a peaceful, enjoyable experience.
For those interested in safe co-sleeping, here are a few links:
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