I've adopted Michael Buble's song I Just Haven't Met You Yet as my sound track to our family building journey.
I'm not technically savy enough to put up a link to the actual song, but here are the lyrics:
I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility
And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility
And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united
And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility
And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get
Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet
I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get
Friday, July 9, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
No mood music?
I went in for our first IUI (intrauterine insemination) today. If one more person asks if this is "the turkey baster method" I'll pull my hair out. I realize that this is meant as an innocent question and it shouldn't bother me, but for some reason it does.
Previously, we were using "timed intercourse." Sounds fun, right? Nothing ruins the mood like a middle-aged doctor telling you that "tonight is the night."
IUI really isn't much sexier. I had an appointment to drop off "the cup." They perform a semen analysis and then prepare the specimen for the procedure (it has to be "washed" so that my uterus doesn't have a fit.
I came back to the office a bit later. They showed me how the ensured that none of the specimens became mixed up, which of course increased my anxiety 10-fold. I hadn't really thought of that minute possibility up to that point. The doc took a very thin catheter and passed it through my cervix, pushed the plunger, and was done. It took all of 2 seconds.
That was it. I knew it was a really simple procedure, but I was really disappointed by how anticlimactic it was! After seven monitoring appointments, 13 days of injections, rushing to the office with "the cup"...I felt like I should have been given a balloon or a lollipop.
Previously, we were using "timed intercourse." Sounds fun, right? Nothing ruins the mood like a middle-aged doctor telling you that "tonight is the night."
IUI really isn't much sexier. I had an appointment to drop off "the cup." They perform a semen analysis and then prepare the specimen for the procedure (it has to be "washed" so that my uterus doesn't have a fit.
I came back to the office a bit later. They showed me how the ensured that none of the specimens became mixed up, which of course increased my anxiety 10-fold. I hadn't really thought of that minute possibility up to that point. The doc took a very thin catheter and passed it through my cervix, pushed the plunger, and was done. It took all of 2 seconds.
That was it. I knew it was a really simple procedure, but I was really disappointed by how anticlimactic it was! After seven monitoring appointments, 13 days of injections, rushing to the office with "the cup"...I felt like I should have been given a balloon or a lollipop.
The ins and outs of cycling
I haven't posted in awhile because we've been in conception limbo. I was sidelined for a few weeks due to a cyst. Also, no one knows about this blog yet, so I don't have anyone asking for updates!
This post is to demonstrate what is involved in a cycle. Some people have expressed curiosity about what is involved. It's in no way meant to be a "look what we had to do" post....there are many who go through a heck of a lot more to have a child. This is just to explain the IUI (intrauterine insemination) process. Here is a "brief" primer.
Disclaimer: This may be too much information for some. If you continue reading, you agree not be all strange and weird if you read something you think is gross or embarrassing.
FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone. The injections that I give myself are FSH. Because I have PCOS, I am at a higher risk of overstimulating and creating too many follicles. The Follistim Pen allows for fine tuning the doseage (in increments of roughly 8 units), however my insurance covers Gonal F which comes in a vial and is drawn up in syringes that are marked in 37.5 increments. So if you're reading this and have used either of these medications...this is why the total doses may look a little funky! It means that I usually have to give myself 2 injections rather than 1, but it saves a LOT of money so I'm up for it!
LH: Luetenizing Hormone
E2: Estradiol level. This is used to monitor whether or not I am being overstimulated. They're also looking for the level to correspond with a mature follicle.
Follicle: Cyst-like part of an ovary which contains an egg. As the follicle grows, the egg matures. Ovulation occurs when the mature follicle ruptures and relases the egg. The doctor with have me give myself a "trigger" injection once a follicle is mature (between 18-22 mm). This will cause ovulation. In a "natural" cycle, the LH level surges. This is mimicked by the trigger injection (hCG, the pregnancy hormone, which acts like LH...details, details).
CD#: Cycle Day #. You know when you're trying to conceive and/or dealing with infertility when you measure time in cycle days, or when you schedule around certain cycle days!
Now, onto the cycle details. It's a bit long. Each cycle is different. I never respond the same way. This is an example of our 4th injectable cycle, first intrauterine insemination (IUI).
CD 1 1st day of period. Called the office to set up my baseline ultrasound (u/s) and bloodwork (BW)for CD3. This is to look for any cysts that could become a problem if I were to start treatment. If they see a cyst, the cycle is canceled and I take birth control pills for 3 weeks to calm the ovaries down and shrink the cyst. This has happened once so far and I didn't enjoy the break!
CD3 Ultrasound looks great. Start 120 units of FSH every night, return on CD7 for u/s and BW.
CD 7 Ultrasound shows that there are about 4 follicles at the starting gate (right around 10mm). Lining is thickening up. Estrogen (E2) level is slightly higher than they’d like at this stage, however. We aren’t trying to have high order multiples…one or two mature follicles is the goal. Any more and we’d have to cancel the cycle. Dose of FSH is decreased to 83 units tonight, and I come back tomorrow morning for BW and u/s.
CD 8 Two follicles slightly larger than 10 mm, E2 level is back down. Increasing dose of FSH to 100 units for the next 2 nights and returning on CD 10 for u/s and BW.
CD 10 I was expecting to have 1 or 2 follicles that had taken the lead and were 13-15 mm….but instead I have 8 right around 10 mm, and my E2 level didn't move much (112) So…we’re increasing the dose to 112 units for 2 days and I’m back into the office on CD 12.
CD 12 My E2 level shot up to 300. I have one follie at 13 mm and one at 11. Everything else is 10 or less. Hopefully that 13 (and maybe the 11) will be the only two which keep growing and the others hold off. They decreased my dose to 75 units and I come back again in the morning.
CD 13 We've got a follie at 17.1! Likely triggering tomorrow. I assume my E2 level is down somewhat as the doctor wants me to increase the dose to 150 units. My usual nurse was out and the one covering didn't leave details in the message. I'm back yet again tomorrow.
CD 14 Goodness gracious....these follicles aren't reading the textbooks! They're supposed to grow 1-2 mm per day. Instead, the lead follicle jumped from 13mm to 17mm in one day and then decided to slow down. It only grew from 17.1 to 17.8 today. The measurements are estimates based on the ultrasound, though. My E2 levels look good, so we're triggering!!
CD16 IUI today. I'll make a separate post about this.
CD 17-29 The dreaded two week wait (2WW). Honestly...this is the hardest part. While I do have to take progesterone in a manner that I prefer not to share, I don't have to give myself any shots. There are no visits for bloodwork or ultrasounds. At the same time, I have 2 weeks to wait until I know anything. At least during the "stim" period I only had to wait 1-4 days to know whether things were progressing as they should.
This post is to demonstrate what is involved in a cycle. Some people have expressed curiosity about what is involved. It's in no way meant to be a "look what we had to do" post....there are many who go through a heck of a lot more to have a child. This is just to explain the IUI (intrauterine insemination) process. Here is a "brief" primer.
Disclaimer: This may be too much information for some. If you continue reading, you agree not be all strange and weird if you read something you think is gross or embarrassing.
FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone. The injections that I give myself are FSH. Because I have PCOS, I am at a higher risk of overstimulating and creating too many follicles. The Follistim Pen allows for fine tuning the doseage (in increments of roughly 8 units), however my insurance covers Gonal F which comes in a vial and is drawn up in syringes that are marked in 37.5 increments. So if you're reading this and have used either of these medications...this is why the total doses may look a little funky! It means that I usually have to give myself 2 injections rather than 1, but it saves a LOT of money so I'm up for it!
LH: Luetenizing Hormone
E2: Estradiol level. This is used to monitor whether or not I am being overstimulated. They're also looking for the level to correspond with a mature follicle.
Follicle: Cyst-like part of an ovary which contains an egg. As the follicle grows, the egg matures. Ovulation occurs when the mature follicle ruptures and relases the egg. The doctor with have me give myself a "trigger" injection once a follicle is mature (between 18-22 mm). This will cause ovulation. In a "natural" cycle, the LH level surges. This is mimicked by the trigger injection (hCG, the pregnancy hormone, which acts like LH...details, details).
CD#: Cycle Day #. You know when you're trying to conceive and/or dealing with infertility when you measure time in cycle days, or when you schedule around certain cycle days!
Now, onto the cycle details. It's a bit long. Each cycle is different. I never respond the same way. This is an example of our 4th injectable cycle, first intrauterine insemination (IUI).
CD 1 1st day of period. Called the office to set up my baseline ultrasound (u/s) and bloodwork (BW)for CD3. This is to look for any cysts that could become a problem if I were to start treatment. If they see a cyst, the cycle is canceled and I take birth control pills for 3 weeks to calm the ovaries down and shrink the cyst. This has happened once so far and I didn't enjoy the break!
CD3 Ultrasound looks great. Start 120 units of FSH every night, return on CD7 for u/s and BW.
CD 7 Ultrasound shows that there are about 4 follicles at the starting gate (right around 10mm). Lining is thickening up. Estrogen (E2) level is slightly higher than they’d like at this stage, however. We aren’t trying to have high order multiples…one or two mature follicles is the goal. Any more and we’d have to cancel the cycle. Dose of FSH is decreased to 83 units tonight, and I come back tomorrow morning for BW and u/s.
CD 8 Two follicles slightly larger than 10 mm, E2 level is back down. Increasing dose of FSH to 100 units for the next 2 nights and returning on CD 10 for u/s and BW.
CD 10 I was expecting to have 1 or 2 follicles that had taken the lead and were 13-15 mm….but instead I have 8 right around 10 mm, and my E2 level didn't move much (112) So…we’re increasing the dose to 112 units for 2 days and I’m back into the office on CD 12.
CD 12 My E2 level shot up to 300. I have one follie at 13 mm and one at 11. Everything else is 10 or less. Hopefully that 13 (and maybe the 11) will be the only two which keep growing and the others hold off. They decreased my dose to 75 units and I come back again in the morning.
CD 13 We've got a follie at 17.1! Likely triggering tomorrow. I assume my E2 level is down somewhat as the doctor wants me to increase the dose to 150 units. My usual nurse was out and the one covering didn't leave details in the message. I'm back yet again tomorrow.
CD 14 Goodness gracious....these follicles aren't reading the textbooks! They're supposed to grow 1-2 mm per day. Instead, the lead follicle jumped from 13mm to 17mm in one day and then decided to slow down. It only grew from 17.1 to 17.8 today. The measurements are estimates based on the ultrasound, though. My E2 levels look good, so we're triggering!!
CD16 IUI today. I'll make a separate post about this.
CD 17-29 The dreaded two week wait (2WW). Honestly...this is the hardest part. While I do have to take progesterone in a manner that I prefer not to share, I don't have to give myself any shots. There are no visits for bloodwork or ultrasounds. At the same time, I have 2 weeks to wait until I know anything. At least during the "stim" period I only had to wait 1-4 days to know whether things were progressing as they should.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Mother's Day
For those dealing with infertility, Mother's Day can be a very difficult time. Not all women find this to be the case, but for some it's just a painful reminder of their struggles.
Despite our difficulties building our family, and our impending miscarriage, I see this as a day to focus on the fact that I have a wonderful mother who is alive and well. I'm so fortunate to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her, and to hug her when we visit. This isn't the case for those women who have lost their mother's, and I realize how wonderful I have it.
I also have a mother-in-law whom I love. Not only has she welcomed me into the family with open arms, but she raised her son in such a way that he's a wonderful husband.
I'm sure that parts of this day will make me a little sad....it's only natural. Overall, however, I see it as a day to celebrate the women in my life who have been so important to me.
Despite our difficulties building our family, and our impending miscarriage, I see this as a day to focus on the fact that I have a wonderful mother who is alive and well. I'm so fortunate to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her, and to hug her when we visit. This isn't the case for those women who have lost their mother's, and I realize how wonderful I have it.
I also have a mother-in-law whom I love. Not only has she welcomed me into the family with open arms, but she raised her son in such a way that he's a wonderful husband.
I'm sure that parts of this day will make me a little sad....it's only natural. Overall, however, I see it as a day to celebrate the women in my life who have been so important to me.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wallowing
So, my beta is falling slowly. I just want to move on, but this is dragging out. Also, our lives have been turned upside down and it may not be the best time to keep trying. Not knowing when we will cycle again is actually very stressful. Giving myself shots, going in for frequent appointments...it's all become my new normal. I don't know how I'd do if we had to take a breatk.
We're so very worried about our ill loved one. Because of this, I feel horrible for being sad for our loss. On one hand, I wasn't carrying a baby for months, and we found out that we weren't going to stay pregnant only a few days after the first test. However, thinking about the fact that we were going to have a baby was something positive that we could hold onto despite the fact that everything else seemed to be going so wrong.
I've wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I can remember. I don't just want to have babies. Yes, they're cute, cuddly, innocent, and new. Having a baby would be an exciting (albeit exhausting) time. But I want to have children and watch them grow into young adults. I want to try to guide them in the world the best we can, and I want to witness their personalities bloom. I know it will happen one day, but right now I just feel so defeated.
We're so very worried about our ill loved one. Because of this, I feel horrible for being sad for our loss. On one hand, I wasn't carrying a baby for months, and we found out that we weren't going to stay pregnant only a few days after the first test. However, thinking about the fact that we were going to have a baby was something positive that we could hold onto despite the fact that everything else seemed to be going so wrong.
I've wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I can remember. I don't just want to have babies. Yes, they're cute, cuddly, innocent, and new. Having a baby would be an exciting (albeit exhausting) time. But I want to have children and watch them grow into young adults. I want to try to guide them in the world the best we can, and I want to witness their personalities bloom. I know it will happen one day, but right now I just feel so defeated.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Heartbreak
Today's beta test was lower than the first. It is supposed to double in 48-72 hours, so this means that I likely have an ectopic or chemical pregnancy. The RE is thinking it's a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage before the little one is big enough to see on an ultrasound, but after a pregnancy can be detected by a blood test).
I'm so very sad right now. I hated having to tell Edward/Alex after all he's been through lately. I was hoping that looking forward to Munchkin's arrival would give us some hope to hold on to in these difficult times.
I'm so very sad right now. I hated having to tell Edward/Alex after all he's been through lately. I was hoping that looking forward to Munchkin's arrival would give us some hope to hold on to in these difficult times.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Bittersweet
This past week has seen us on a roller coaster of emotions. Just over a week ago, we lost my Granddaddy. The funeral service was lovely, and it was wonderful to see the whole family, but it was so sad to tell Granddaddy goodbye.
A few days after the funeral, we found out that we were pregnant. Obviously, we were over-joyed, but right now it's still a cautious excitement.
A couple of days after finding out that we were having a baby, a person very dear to us fell ill. I don't want to say who this person is without his/her permission, but this is weighing heavily on our hearts.
Tomorrow I go in for a second blood test (beta). My first was done on Friday and was 107. They're looking for an appropriate rise to let us know that Munchkin is growing normally.
So, it's been quite a week. We're mouring a loss, celebrating a life, and praying that our loved-one will be healthy soon.
A few days after the funeral, we found out that we were pregnant. Obviously, we were over-joyed, but right now it's still a cautious excitement.
A couple of days after finding out that we were having a baby, a person very dear to us fell ill. I don't want to say who this person is without his/her permission, but this is weighing heavily on our hearts.
Tomorrow I go in for a second blood test (beta). My first was done on Friday and was 107. They're looking for an appropriate rise to let us know that Munchkin is growing normally.
So, it's been quite a week. We're mouring a loss, celebrating a life, and praying that our loved-one will be healthy soon.
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